STILETTOS AND STEEL is a debut novel based on the author’s adventures, after she fled her suburban life in California’s San Fernando Valley for the welcoming, colorful streets of San Francisco. Jeri Estes left her Ozzie and Harriet world behind in 1965, desperate to break free of the suffocating loneliness of living her life as an impostor. Jeri hitch-hiked to freedom and took a detour stopping in the seedy red light district, known as the Tenderloin.

This story is a riveting, rich portrayal of an American subculture, told through the eyes of a woman who made a successful career in the underbelly of society. Our lead character’s trajectory from prostitute to high-class pimp, catering to dirty politicians, housewives and cops takes us on a journey that captures the imagination. Despite the rough-and-tumble setting of the Tenderloin, the exploits of Jeri’s gold-hearted protagonist, naturally soften the edges of the suspenseful backdrop.

The authenticity of Jeri’s writing is akin to the works of Richard Price and George Pelecanos. STILETTOS AND STEEL has elements of classic pulp fiction, including the traditional love story and wry sense of humor, told with a fresh spin that leaves the reader wanting more. This book is more than great writing about a woman gangster; it is a journey of personal independence during a time of great oppression. Jeri transports us to another time and place, gracefully, with humanity and humor. This unexplored realm of intrigue will appeal to history buffs, crime enthusiasts and housewives, alike.

REVIEWS

Stilettos and Steel is one of those rare books that comes along—full of hilarious, highly visual scenes, wildly compelling characters and great plot turns.

— Bayard Storey, Senior Story Analyst, Columbia Pictures

A fun, fast read with unique characters that are identifiable and real in a fascinating place and time that few have experienced.

— Darrell Fetty, Writer, Producer and Actor

Besides the colorful characters, fascinating milieu and dramatic storyline, this book has something that many authors may strive their entire lives to achieve, but never realize: an original and compelling voice. This book takes us to a place very few have been … to an emotional extreme and high adventure of self-discovery.

— Isabel Storey, Literary Consultant, Theatre and Television Producer and Writer

UPCOMING EVENTS:

Jeri Estes will be interviewed by Blog Talk Radio host, Susan Dobson, Wednesday, May 12, from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. PST.

The topic of discussion is, “Life, Love and Literature,” and her recently released novel, STILETTOS AND STEEL.

The web address is: www.blogtalkradio.com/AWOL.

Once you are at the website, just click, “Open in your default player” or “Open in a new window.” Then just click the play button in the box that appears.

This radio show welcomes listeners to call in and join the conversation. The toll-free number is: (347) 633-9101

Jeri’s next book signing is Saturday, May 15, from 3 to 6 p.m. at Long Beach Pride, at the STILETTOS AND STEEL booth. The STILETTOS AND STEEL crew will be at the Pride festival both Saturday and Sunday. We will have Limited Edition copies of STILETTOS AND STEEL, STILETTOS AND STEEL THREADS and sexy new jewelry!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Born and raised in the San Fernando Valley of Southern California, author Jeri Estes is the former Assistant Director of the California Women’s Commission, where she educated the public about issues such as fetal alcohol syndrome. She has appeared on national television and radio shows as well as spoken nationwide before thousands, carrying her transformational message, filled with humor, courage and hope. After leaving the non-profit sector, she was a successful owner on an insurance brokerage firm. Jeri is currently a writer and producer. Based in Studio City, CA, she has raised a beautiful and successful daughter.

“I wrote Stilettos and Steel as a thank you note to God for coming out of the Tenderloin alive and to honor my fallen comrades who did not make it out.”

— Jeri Estes

Here is the link to Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Stilettos-Steel-Jeri-Estes/dp/0984517308/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273117930&sr=1-1

STILETTOS AND STEEL is listed in general fiction, historical and romance sections and is holding a five-star rating.

Book description:

THE TENDERLOIN

The TL was a lady of the night, wrapped in Stilettos and Steel. Her dark code whispered through the misty streets. “Our bodies are a commodity. Sex is our currency. Every day we fight for survival.” Beneath the glitz of her high heels lay the cold steel of a switch-blade.

(Six more wonderful reviews are posted on Amazon, under the book’s description).

Cover Photo by Suzanne Gagnier | Model Michaela

Cover Design by Dotti Albertine

www.stilettosandsteel.com

Join Jeri on Facebook

www.facebook.com/jeriestes1

STILETTOS AND STEEL has a new Facebook fan page:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/STILETTOS-AND-STEEL/113062205375301?ref=ts

Please ask people to join!

By Michael Baumwohl

It’s all eyes in the center of the ring as you gaze upon this magnificent freak show. Here you will find some of the world’s strangest and most exotic beasts, as well as the most illusive magicians, daredevils, clowns and lion tamers. Come one, come all, and marvel upon their strange and eccentric behaviors. Hear them sing, watch them dance and prepare to be mystified. But be warned, your eyes will deceive you as what appears before you will challenge all rules of reality. Welcome to the gay circus.

The Ring Leader

Every circus has its leader, and for the gay community, that position belongs to the fag hag. A term known to all gay men as their female counterpart, their best friend and the woman who could very much be a gay man’s wife, if of course he liked women. Fag hags have been a fundamental component of gay culture in every decade and can be found in all gay communities. As Margret Cho puts it, “fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you’re nothing! We have been there all through history guiding your sorry ass through the Underground Railroad! We went to the prom with you!” It is the remarkable gifts from a female best friend that gay men are able to confide in, learn how to interact with men and have a true companion that loves unconditionally. The dynamics of this spectacular relationship, however, are so twisted and confusing that it is best described as a circus with eccentric performances, acrobatics and unique species, all essential to gay culture.

Tightrope Walkers and Aerial Acrobats

High above the spectators, one brave individual walks the tightrope. Step by step risking life itself to make it to the other side. Coming out of the closet was just as frightening, yet if it wasn’t for my best friend Chi, I would have never crossed over. Years before moving to Los Angeles, Chi and I were like twins, doing everything together laughing, sharing stories and intimate secrets. She was the first person I ever told I was gay. Moments before I revealed my secret, I remember the gut-wrenching terror of being rejected. I knew being gay was frowned upon in my family and community, and I swore never to come out while I lived at home. But some secrets can fester and consume an individual to desperate needs of escape. When I spoke the words, “I am gay,” it was if I had released 10,000 weights strapped to my back, and when she whispered, “I know, and will always love you, no matter what,” tears filled my eyes, but not from sadness. It was from cascading joy.

Years later, after graduating high school from a private Utah boarding school, I had traveled as far back into the closet as if I hadn’t met Chi at all. Two years of unnecessary discipline and close-minded thinking had led me to believe I was a terrible person because I was gay. That was until I met a girl, and her name was Michaela. Before I could blink, she had grabbed my hands and we sailed into the air high above the clouds. We were two acrobats soaring with only our faith and trust in each other, which would prevent either of us from falling to the ground.

The Lion Tamer

With a crack of her whip, the beast can be tamed. We watch in awe at the lion tamer’s courage and of the lion’s regal magnificence and potential threat of our safety. Being gay poses significant risks and threats that extend far beyond sexually transmitted diseases. Depending on the unique background and current life situation of the gay individuals, their lives can include rejection, prejudice, hate crimes, denial of rights and privileges, and in the case of Matthew Sheppard, death. Not all gay men experience prejudice the same way, nor is it fair to assume each person’s experience is the same. From my experiences, being gay has been a time of prejudice, abuse and fear. I have spent years scared to be myself, harassed, teased, abused and alone, but meeting Michaela was like tasting salvation. She helped me come out again, taught me to be myself, gave me confidence and protection. For a gay man, having a female counterpart is like having a bodyguard, they boost your confidence, help you talk to boys, are unconditional friends and love you no matter what. Unlike the ringleaders, the umbrella term for all fag hags, lion tamers serve only their gay. These remarkable women embrace gay society, nurture it and express themselves through the mainstream society. Like Lady Gaga, Margret Cho and Kathy Griffin, they can force the rest of the world to be exposed to the gay community even when most of us are too scared to leave it. Michaela was the whip that could protect me from the lions of family, society, and most importantly, myself. She became my tool to learn how to self-express and eventually find myself beneath all the rubble.

The Horseback Acrobat

As the acrobat stands high on top of the majestic white horse, they are one. The horse does not let its rider fall and is always there to catch her. The movie “The Horse Whisper” and many naturalistic forms of therapy, incorporate the wonders of a relationship with a human and a horse. Horses are elegant, beautiful and non-judgmental, and are often viewed in Western movies as a man’s or woman’s best friend. Any girl who seeks refuge in the gay community tends to find love, acceptance and a place where they can be themselves. Few, if any, gay men are interested in sleeping with females and so these ladies let their hair down. They can come to a bar or club to be complimented, told they are beautiful and hardly become objectified as sexual interests. From many personal conversations with the women closest in my life, including Rebecca and Laura, I have learned that many of them have either rejected or been rejected from the heterosexual society, but both have learned to view it as an unsafe or emotionally unsupportive environment. It is not uncommon to see women from all shapes, sizes, ages and races to love their gay men. Margret Cho puts it best by saying, “Thank God for gay men, because if it were not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all.” Gay men seem to take on a placeholder for women, for where they hope to have a straight man in the future, but in the meantime the gay man is still given the same amount of love and respect. But if gay men are to serve the role of a placeholder, then what happens when the “knight in shining armor” appears?

The Magic Show

Every magic show starts the same—with excitement and breaks in reality—but it is always the final disappearing act that leaves us speechless. The relationship between a gay man and a woman is so fun to watch that the show “Will and Grace” is founded upon the fag hag relationship. This intricate magic show has both magicians knowing just what the other is thinking. Everything is done in unison, and often consumes the rest of the population as to how close these two can get. Yet in the final show, when both magicians disappear in their wooden box, we wonder what happens just before that moment. In one scene of “Will and Grace,” Karen, the fag hag of the flamboyant character Jack, is about to get married to her new husband Lyle Finster. She tells Jack that they will no longer be friends. Karen explains that the relationship between them had a sell-by date that ended when she found her heterosexual counterpart. As the episode continued and Jack tried to replace her, Karen was beyond jealous and was unable to leave her gay man. This episode demonstrates a sad but true reality of the gay community—a countdown to the end of the relationship. But this example of a fag hag is only the stereotype, and like all media images, the real community being portrayed has more vibrant characters not show on T.V.

The Circus Freaks

Every circus has its freak show, and the gay community is no different. From bearded ladies seeking to convert gay men to straight, contortionists identifying as straight yet sleeping with their gay friend and or gay women, and jugglers trying to balance a “normal life” with stranger exceptions of having a baby with their gay friend due to sexual intercourse, but no sexual attraction. Gay men and straight women have the same relationship with jealousy as any couple, but it occurs if the gay guy is talking to another girl or vise versa. Some gay men and straight women have admitted to even dating as a real couple, sexual experimentation and even marriages, yet both were aware that the male was gay and the female was straight. There are even clowns who come in pretending to be fag hags, yet are only there to mock the gay lifestyle. There is little order or solid examples that can accurately explain the relationships gay men share with straight women other than chaos, but beneath that chaos there is still a bond so deep that only gay men and straight women can explain. This bond then may be a glimpse into understanding the vast interactions that take place in the circus rings.

Finale

Gay men and straight women share the same common interest: men. But the types of men they seek and the communities that house them are different. Eventually, most but not all, women will find other straight women who can venture into the realm of the hetero. This was the case with Michaela, and I knew that her world was a place I was not ready to enter. The heterosexual world was where she belonged and I was finally in a place where I felt accepted. As I found myself back at square one looking for new companionship, I realized this time I was not alone. I had my amazing friend Rebecca who would accompany me on my endeavors. Our adventures, however, were to take us to new heights. A twist in fate turned this dynamic duo into Mighty Morphin Power Gaygers ready to fight the newest threat to gay men everywhere.

By Michael Baumwohl

If you have ever seen the film “Legally Blonde,” then you might recall Elle Woods’ traumatizing breakup with hey boyfriend Warner. Despite the silly stereotypical behaviors of laying in bed, eating chocolates and crying to sappy chick flicks, many of us can relate her behaviors to our first heartbreak. If you remember yours, how did you handle it? Were you the one who ended the relationship, or did you get dumped, and what did you do after the fact? My first heartbreak left me as much of a wreck as Elle Woods, but I made sure to use nonfat ice cream. The ability for one movie to show a specific life situation, relatable to a wide range of audiences, demonstrates the true power of the media.

Through a variety of mediums, including television, magazines, and the Internet, we are able to learn just about everything: from how to tie a tie, how to build a rocket and even how to fit into a social role. Erving Goffman once said that social interactions occur “when an individual enters the presence of others” and information is exchanged to determine how one sees oneself and whether any person is deemed trustworthy (1959). It is this 60-year-old sociological work that explains how information defines a social situation and helps others know how to act and respond accordingly. But what does a white heterosexual man know about gay culture? The answer is that Goffman’s theories provide insight into how culture is created and more specifically how gay stereotypes exist.

Referring back to “Legally Blonde,” you might recall how Elle Woods got a manicure to make herself feel better. It was at this point in the movie where Elle decided to win her boyfriend back by changing herself and becoming a law student. This memorable scene demonstrates a common struggle and social identification process that gay men go through every single day by trying to answer the question, “what does it mean to be gay?” We can see through countless T.V. shows that the media tends to focus on extreme behaviors, such as being overly flamboyant for men and aggression for women. However, the media is not always known for being fair and honest, since the majority of gay men and women are just as normal as heterosexuals appear to be. After getting to know many gay individuals, I realized that not all fit the stereotype. Before I had met them, the media was my primary teacher of how to act as a gay man. Stereotypes of gay culture are clearly shown in shows like “Glee,” where in one episode Mr. Schuster splits the club into males vs. females, and Kurt, the openly gay character, chooses the female side, recycling one of the oldest clichés of the sensitive gay boy who desires to be a girl.

The entertainment industry further demonstrates these stereotypes with Marc from “Ugly Betty,” the flaming assistant in the fashion industry; Lloyd, the bitchy gay receptionist in “Entourage”; the gay couple on “Modern Family,” from their purple clothing choices to former ice skating careers; Perez Hilton (need I say more?); every aspect of “Project Runway,” from Tim Gun to Christian Siriano; and last but not least, Adam Lambert’s debut album cover with black nail polish, glitter and lip gloss. With these images, it’s clear to assume that “fierce” and “fabulous” are the primary semantics that encompass gay language, far more complex than any of J.R.R. Tolkien’s elves or orcs. Gay identity then seems to religiously focus on the four elements: money, success, fame and glamour. The media bombards gay culture with this colorful and eccentric world, but is it fair to say that the media is the creator and primary contributor of this flamboyant lifestyle? Does the media give us culture to relate to? Or does gay culture relate to what the media presents?

Assuming that the average gay man and woman prefer professions of the opposing gender due to hostility in pursuing careers in sync with their genders, is it fair to say that the masculinity association with lesbians and femininity of gay men is present before they self-express or choose a job? Or does gay culture impose certain characteristics requiring a self-transformation like Elle Woods? From personal experience, I recall walking up and down Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and seeing countless advertisements of men with rock-hard abs, firm jaws and seductive eyes. Abercrombie & Fitch with its half-naked models seemed to not only catch my eye, but also tell me how I should look first, dress second, or if at all. From such shows as “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” and “Will and Grace,” I assumed gay men were flamboyant, fashion-obsessed, fashion frenetic or talented hair, clothes or home designers who were also obsessed with sex. When I ventured into West Hollywood, I saw many gay men with designer clothing, effeminate attitudes, and many had mentioned they worked in retail, or some variation of the design industry. I had therefore assumed that to be gay was to be just like everyone else, and within six months I had spent nearly $2,000 on designer clothes, learned about designer brands and labels, and transformed my personality into a rude, superficial and mindless drone. To answer the question of who is defining the gay identity, the answer seems to be both an individual’s personal choice to conform and the mainstream media creating an environment, which may be unrealistic but still somewhat relatable.

Elle Woods conformed to the standards of what was expected of her to become a lawyer, but what made her unique was her ability to be an individual in a system that demanded commonality. Elle excelled in school, won a case, upgraded to a better man and kicked Warner to the curb while holding true to her fashion sense and personal values. The ability for Elle Woods to figure out who she is and to feel confident enough to express her individuality takes much longer than a two-hour film can show. Gay men may start off as stereotypical glamazons, but eventually will discovery and develop a sense of individuality. The question is, “How?” For me, the answer was Michaela, my first fag hag who showed me how to be me. Meeting her a few months after Mike was the equivalent of Elle being helped by her friends to move on and evolve into who she was supposed to be. The gift of the fag hag is the glue that holds the gay individual and community together. We are essential to one another as air is to breath, but the dynamics and adventures of having one of these spectacular ladies are the stepping stones required to break the generic stereotypes, a process that allowed me to discover what it meant to be Michael Baumwohl.

Goffman, E. (1957). The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. New York, NY:

Doubleday.

By Johnny Pinto

Los Angeles based underwear company, Go Softwear, will be selling current product at the upcoming Long Beach Gay and lesbian pride festival on May 15^th and 16^th.

Go Softwear has been attending Long Beach Pride for over tens years. “It is a great venue to met our fellow Californians and offer Go Softwear and American Jock at  GREAT prices. We appreciate all the support we have been given over the years,” said Greg Olvera of Go Softwear.

The company plans on offering fans undies, tanks, shorts, athletic wear, and swimwear at wholesale and below prices! This year’s pricing will be $10 per item or 3 for $25. This is not “throw-away” merchandise but first-rate fashions.

About Go Softwear:

Go Softwear™ ushered in a new era of men’s undergarments in 1996 with the introduction of men’s padded underwear. Before the word metro sexual was in vogue Go Softwear undergarments were becoming a favorite among young, image and body conscious males.

Since then Go Softwear has introduced a range of underwear, workout wear and swimwear “with an edge”. The most popular style of underwear is the introduction of the “low rise brief,” inspired by the popularity of the lo-rise jean trend. The contour European fit with bold comic book colors and playfulness have become a favorite choice in men’s fashion underwear.

Part 3: Take The Gun and Count to Three

Written by Michael Baumwohl

In the words of Lady Gaga, “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun,” and if you have ever played the game of love, each pull of the trigger might mean sudden death. I once took a Women’s Studies course with a professor who explored the myths of the cult of masculinity and the gender systems that define femininity. Gender has always been thought to explain why a man is a man and a woman is a woman but the obvious difference seems only to be genitalia. Men have emotions just like women, and both sexes have masculine and feminine attributes that cannot be easily selected as solely male or female; but how is this relevant to gay culture? The answer lies in the punishment heterosexual men and women are given if they choose an androgynous lifestyle, which is the fear of being called or viewed as “gay.”

Being a gay man, I see little to complain about since being gay has so many amazing membership benefits, including access to Pride parades and celebrations all over the world, reassurance of never being drafted into the military, a 0% chance of pregnancy, a larger wardrobe by sharing with a boyfriend, and last but not least, the privilege of not having to stop a conversation because your partner needs to use a separate restroom. Many women complain that their boyfriends do not satisfy their sexual needs and I say the solution is quite simple, when you join the club you learn that no one quite knows anatomy like a member of the same sex.

Gender, although a creation of society, still has a major impact on all of us, regardless of whether we believe in its existence or not. Heterosexual men are thought to be “hyper-sexualized” to the point where movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin depict the main character’s flaw as his inability to become a man through lots of sex with a woman. On the other hand, “women are supposed to be sexy, not sexual, and if a woman is a virgin at forty she’s probably just ugly or fat.” (Klein, 2010) So where do gender roles fall within the gay culture? Like heterosexual men, gay men define themselves as “men” by how many men they have slept with; however, gay men have similar limitations found within the heterosexual female community. Referring back to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, we know that a woman or a gay man would never be cast as this role, but why?

Fruits and vegetables are always marked with a sell-by date. The trick with most produce is to purchase them right when they are ripe and enjoy them while their flavor is still fresh and delicious; but we know not to consume any type of food past its expiration date. The reason being, it will be old, moldy and no longer tasty. This same concept is known all too well by heterosexual women and homosexual men. This idea of an expiration date is part of a larger three-stage system with the last stage occurring near “expiration age,” and thus forcing gay men to settle down before they are no longer desirable.

I knew exactly what I wanted when I first realized I was gay. Making eye contact with Mike in the center of Tigerheat, was exactly what I had waited for since I was 16. He was 19, my height and was the first kiss I ever shared with a male. At that moment I felt a rush like none I had felt before, and I knew this was the reason I had moved to Los Angeles in the first place—to simply find love. If you ask anyone why he or she is gay or straight, the answer is identical. We want to fulfill our basic human need to love and be loved and sexuality merely explains if we give that love to a man or woman. Despite the many aspects of gay culture, the fundamental component that all gay men have in common is that we want to fall in love, but with all good things there is a cost associated with it. Being in love requires an individual to open up completely and allow oneself to be emotionally vulnerable and raw. The sensation can be one of the most exhilarating feelings and rushes that seems to surpass any physical stimulation imaginable, but in order to achieve such a wonderful connection with another human being, we must risk being hurt and eradicate our fears of other people. Nobody is perfect and therefore its is only fair to say that we all enter into relationships, regardless of whether they are intimate or not, with inhibitions and irrational expectations. The first stage starts before this, roughly around the age of 16 to 18, where dating is naive and relationships become the only focus of our attention. It is the beginning where our sexual experiences are minimal to non-existent and flirting and dating are concepts we’ve only dreamt of doing. This stage perfectly described where I stood in relation to other gay men.

Finding two people that see the same thing the same way is next to impossible, especially when including one’s personal thoughts and experiences which influence how they see the world. I was in the beginnings of stage 1 and had desired a relationship, yet that didn’t guarantee that the man I wanted was seeking the same thing. Stage 2 happens roughly around the age of 21 or after the first heartbreak, depending on which ever comes first. In stage 2, gay men seem to take on a more personal focus, either a direct result of being jaded from previous relationships or merely a desire to explore new freedoms associated with being 21. My transition into stage 2 was a reoccurring cycle amongst gay men, where a stage 1 boy desires a boy in stage 2 and receives disappointment and heartbreak. Mike opened my eyes to the possibility/fact that true love would not be a reality until stage 3 when I had my career and when men could actually date with a sense of sincerity.

After three weeks of dating, Mike and I revisited the club where we had met, and I was the happiest I had been in years. I had wanted to become a couple but Mike seemed distant. Every time I tried to get close, I was pushed away and treated as if I was just another creepy guy coming on to him. Eventually Mike pushed me away and told me he wanted to dance with other guys, and seeing it happen was a hard image to process and understand. I couldn’t comprehend how someone could give signals of interest and then change their mind so suddenly. After about an hour and a half, I found Mike talking to someone else outside of the club and I asked him if we could talk. Mike made it clear that a relationship was one of the last things on his mind. He was “young and didn’t know what he wanted, and I should do the same.” And in a state of complete emotional fervor, my heart pounded, the adrenaline surged, and I felt like I was falling at lighting fast speeds. My heart was breaking and after I took Mike home, I decided it was time to take his words to heart. It was time to release my inhibitions, take a deep breath and taste all that the city had to offer.

Klein, M. (2010). When Infidelity Becomes “Sex Addiction”. Retrieved April 13,

2010, from http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2010/04/06/when-infidelity-

becomes-sex-addiction/

Written by Michael Baumwohl

Part 2: Check, Check, Stalemate

Stalemate

Noun

- A drawing position in chess in which a player is not in checkmate, but has no legal move to play (Stalemate, 2005).

Dating in the Southern California gay scene is a full-life version of the witty and tactful game of chess, in which there is never a guarantee you will win. The white pieces move first by default, but if that player is not careful, the opposition may steal and direct the action of the game. Turn by turn, players must out-skill one another using intellect, deception, and for those with little experience, enough to razzle-dazzle the other side. Much like in the real world, we can see the same rules and patterns apply. Certain pieces may only move to certain spots, one player will start before another, but both players anticipate each other’s very next move.

If you’ve ever stumbled across a gay club, it may seem like an energetic and happy place to spend your Friday night. The vodka flows like water and men are dressed more risqué than any of the male shows in Las Vegas. But to the untrained eye there is a distinct set of rules and regulations that all who wish to play will be subjected to follow, whether they are aware of it or not. Gay men are scrutinized and objectified by one another, much like women are in strip clubs, and are judged from head to toe through classifications of race, “perceived gender,” class status, age, height and muscle build. Within seconds of entering a club, one’s amount of game play will have already been decided. If you’re perceived as a pawn, you may only be allowed to move one space forward, where as if you’re seen as the almighty queen with wide ranges in choice, you may only be limited by pieces standing in your way. Depending on the piece you play, your evening will vary and be defined by these unwritten yet omniscient rules.

What does the movie Dreamgirls, a walk in a nature preserve and a 32-year-old man have in common? My first date—both awkward and random. When I first met Michael, I thought he was tall, dark and handsome—everything a girl dreams of. But wait, I for sure was no girl. Going on a date with a man old enough to have been in junior high when I was born was only part of this strange situation. I lived in Santa Monica at the time and drove all the way down to Long Beach to meet him. I had always assumed that the person who drives is in the “male role,” yet as the date progressed I couldn’t quite draw a clear line of who was who. Michael would talk about his past history, problems with his parents, and I could sense deep emotional distance, which was far less mature than myself. He was smart and seemed to have a deeper side that I never could quite understand. After the walk we went back to his place and watched the musical Dreamgirls, a stereotype even I can’t help laughing at. We cuddled and enjoyed each other’s company, but when he requested more, I declined and it was the last date we ever had. It’s said that you never forget your first, but what first are those people referring to? Your first crush? Your first kiss? He was my first date and my introduction into gay culture, a world consumed by sex, superficiality, stereotypes and variations of the “male” identity. For much of my experiences in the gay community, Michael served as my role model of how I thought the ideal gay man should be: strong, wealthy, tall, athletic, white and masculine. But what Michael lacked is the same thing men seem to lack regardless of sexual orientation, emotional freedom.

A few weeks after my cousin’s graduation party and my first date, I started attending Tigerheat ritually as if every Thursday night was my mass and the DJ was my Messiah. In my opinion, both could create miracles. The club scene at the arena was much like the early years of junior high: the youngest are inexperienced and watch the older age groups interact on a more intimate level. After sitting on the sidelines and getting no results I decided to just dance in the middle and hope that something happened. I should have been more careful of what I wished for. As my eyes made contact with another, I had my first moment of clarity; I was not the only one interested, and it required no words at all. Check, I had him right where I wanted. Check, he had moved towards me. What was to happen next would be one of the wildest and emotionally intense stalemates I wish I could have avoided.

Stalemate. (2005). Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (p. 1215, 11th ed.).

Massachusetts: Merriam-Webster, Incorporated.

For those of you as obsessed with Glee as I am, our agonizing wait has almost come to an end. It’s back. The show that made me love television all over again. Tonight, Glee returns. At a strange time, I might add. It will be airing at 9:28 pm. Not 9:30, of course, because that would make too much sense. Part of the fun of this show is it never fails to surprise. And I mean, it’s hard to get a better time slot than right after American Idol. That’s how I initially got into the show. Who wants to turn off their television right when Idol finishes? You’re too pumped up. And yet now I’ve found something to be even more pumped up about, which is really what we need after something of a deflated season of Idol.

My official countdown started last week for this very night, where I will be watching the season premiere with my sister and her kittens. Yes, the kittens love the Glee as well. We all waited patiently for Will and Emma to get together and now we’ll finally get to see them in action. Not to mention from the previews it looks like we will be in for some snazzy new dance numbers. And of course, more of Kurt. Because who can get enough of Kurt? I am also anxious to see what will happen when the dust settles after the revelation of Quinn’s real baby-daddy. Should be all the drama I could ask for. I have no doubts that it will be worth the wait. It always is.

Oh, and did you all know that Glee is holding open auditions for next season? Send in a video and maybe you’ll be the next lucky hopeful. I know I’ve got my Les Miserables audition ready to go, hairbrush and all.

]]> http://getoutlb.com/wp/2010/04/attention-gleeks-it%e2%80%99s-finally-here/feed/ 0 http://getoutlb.com/wp/2010/04/denim-trend-denim-on-denim/ http://getoutlb.com/wp/2010/04/denim-trend-denim-on-denim/#comments Tue, 13 Apr 2010 07:00:03 +0000 GetOutLB Contributor http://getoutlb.com/wp/?p=231

By The Denim Guy

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Heard that denim on denim is a big faux pas? Not this Summer! Denim on denim runways looks for summer have already begun to appear in urban street looks.

For a while, denim on denim has been considered acceptable as long as one of the denims was dark enough to be confused for another material. But this season, denim on denim of the same color (usually a lighter denim) in one outfit is hot!

For  a while i was a little nervous to do the DENIM on DENIM, what I call DOUBLE DIPPING, but this last weekend I finally doubled dipped. While i doubled dipped with two very different colors of denim, i am on the hunt to double dip with light denim. I’ll let you know when I pull this off.

GetOutLB would like to wish everyone a very happy and safe Easter, Passover, Spring Equinox or whatever holiday you may celebrate! Many cultures and religions observe holidays and cultural festivals around this time of year.

I’m not religious, so I look at the holiday as a time to slow down and reconnect with family and friends. Of course, I’m lucky enough to have time off from work, which enhances the experience for me.

This year, my boyfriend Sal and I are headed up to San Francisco and Sacramento to visit my brothers and my mother. I haven’t been up in over two years and they haven’t been down to visit me in the LBC either. What happened? I guess we all just get so busy and wrapped up in our daily lives that we lose track of time and sometimes lose track of what’s important. I’m not even estranged from my family and I haven’t seen them in two years! I’m actually lucky that all of my brothers, but one are gay, so family is really “family.”

My mother is a whole other story. She lives alone in Sacramento, but is very active and loves a good party. She’s very upfront about things; when she asked me about what I was doing for the holiday, she flat out said, “This is me guilting you into visiting your mother.” As soon as I told her I would be there for Easter Sunday, she wrangled my two brothers in San Francisco to come down too. I’m sure she’ll have all of her single lady friends over; they just love her gay children. One of her friends refers to herself (in a two-pack-a-day voice) as the poor man’s Liz Taylor, one keeps a flask of “medicine” in her purse and one is a lesbian who is practically one of the family. This year I’m sure she’ll have her theatre friends over as well.

I don’t think we have all been together in over three years and I’m not sure if my straight brother will be there or not. He lives in Fresno (he is straight, remember).

He just got married for the first time a few years ago and we had a collective sigh of relief when he and his wife had their first child. Finally, my mother was a grandmother. We were off the hook. It’s interesting, one of my mother’s friends once said, “Have you ever thought your brother felt like an outsider since the rest of you are all gay? He really was different as a teenager. We collected GQ magazines and 501 jeans and he collected guns. None of us had considered it before, but the thought pushed us to build a better relationship with him. I hope they make it up for the holiday. It would be good to see him.

This will be the first time that the family will meet Sal. I’m sure this is an unspoken tradition in all families: a holiday comes up, we go off to visit the kinfolk and take our significant others with us for a really uncomfortable all-day introduction. They will love him; he’ll fit in.

I just dread the moment when they all decide to start telling stories about me. My mother likes to talk about my first porn movie (her words). When I was 11 or 12 I was an extra in a Mark Twain movie called Life on the Mississippi and I had to run out of the Illinois River naked (the Mississippi was too polluted to use). My brother Stephen likes to tell people that I allegedly thought I looked like a young Elizabeth Taylor after he dressed me up in drag at the age of 14. He’s the one that likes drag by the way. I was the youngest so it was easier for him to get all of his creative fashion ideas out on me. He practically dressed me in drag every Halloween until I was 15, including sewing me a complete I Dream of Genie costume out of transparent pink silk chiffon. After which he paraded me around the neighborhood to show off his handiwork. I’m still scared. Who would have ever known we were gay? Then I’ll have to start telling everyone how he use to drag me around to abandoned houses to look for treasure, until we got the crap scared out of us when something started moving toward us in the dark during one of our escapades in an old boarded-up bungalow. We ran, but not until after my brother snagged a cast head of the Virgin Mary off the wall. He still has it, by the way, and it still creeps me out. Then it will turn into a free for all, all of us yelling over each other in a contest of one-upmanship. I’m looking forward to it actually; I just wish I had time to practice my skills. This is why my mother’s friends come over when we visit—to be entertained. You couldn’t make this shit up.

I do worry about Sal, though. It’s almost a fend-for-yourself atmosphere. One, because my mother is gastronomically challenged (I’m being nice). But, really because we don’t get together that often, and when we do, it can be like no one else is there. I think we moved in a pack as children. Actually, now that I think about it, he’ll be fine. Besides, it will be payback for when we were at his parents’ house for Christmas and his father kept chasing me around with shots of tequila and I kept slurring, “No mas, no mas!” Good times.

GetOutLB will be back with a full issue on April 6. We have great things coming this spring.

Part 1: Toto, I Think We’re Not in Mammoth Anymore

Written By Michael Baumwohl

There is a thin line between gay and straight. Beyond the fact that sexual orientation determines who one may share their intimate or explicit moments with, the straight and gay communities have unique and distinct cultures with rules, rituals and social environments that couldn’t be more different. Being from the small town of Mammoth Lakes, California, I realized how sheltered I was when moving to the big and exciting City of Angels. I felt much like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, or Dorothy in the bright, new Technicolor land of West Hollywood, but some of the minute details that many may overlook showed me a completely foreign world. To many individuals with little knowledge of gay culture, homosexual men and women are thought to simply mesh with one another since we all have the commonalty of our orientation, but when looking deeper at the interaction of man to man or woman to woman, it is captivating sight to see.

I once sat down with a friend of mine over sushi and as the check came, I quickly grabbed it and handed my credit card to the waiter. My friend asked me when I go on a date with another man, “who pays?” For a moment, I sat in silence. I hadn’t the slightest idea who paid, thus, my desire to understand gay social interaction began. Over the next two-and-a-half years I would visit the local clubs, those that allowed 18-year-olds to enter, to observe and participate in one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.

The first time I stepped foot into TigerHeat is probably the equivalent of walking into your first high school dance: the music was blasting, guys were sitting on the sidelines waiting for the night to begin, and I was as nervous as ever. I could feel my heart racing, the fear and excitement rushing through my veins in anticipation of what the evening would bring. After an hour, more boys started to arrive, each with at least one girl dressed just as fabulous as them. It was then that I was asked to dance for the very first time—by a boy. He had blue eyes, blonde hair and the gayest Care Bear T-shirt I had ever seen in my life, but it was a dance I would never forget. After three songs, he left and refused to dance with me, even after I approached him. It was one of many experiences that made little sense to me.

A few weeks later I attended one of my Aunt Millie’s wedding anniversaries where my two cousins, whom I hadn’t seen in at least seven years, sniffed me out like a pack of wolves. No gay man could walk by these ladies without tipping off their all-powerful gaydars. After one of the most awkward dinners of my life, my cousins invited me to attend their shared graduation party, with a dress code that was said to be casual. The word “casual” in Mammoth Lakes, means a T-shirt and sweats that may be worn out and 10 years old, but I decided to go a step beyond that and wear jeans, tennis shoes and an Abercrombie button-down shirt with the top few buttons undone. When I arrived for the celebration of my cousins, I could have arrived naked and been just as out of place. Everyone was in dresses or suits and the eldest of my cousins came to greet me. She looked me up and down and grinned as she asked, “Are those the only shoes you own? All of my gays own at least 20 pairs.” Little did I know that my cousins were the ruling queens of all queens for the massive Long Beach gay scene, and if the half of the party that was family had left, what was left would have looked like a gay club on New Years Eve. On one side of the room were members of my family whom I feared knowing my true identity, and on the other were some of the hottest men I had ever seen outside of a porn video. It was as if my world had gone topsy-turvy and back again, especially after I laid eyes on one man in particular. Let’s just say I truly had a “coming out” party that I desperately needed. From that night forward I knew things were never going to be the same, but to an extent I couldn’t have possibly have predicted…