A Tale of Two Cultures Part 5: Just Like A Circus
By Michael Baumwohl
It’s all eyes in the center of the ring as you gaze upon this magnificent freak show. Here you will find some of the world’s strangest and most exotic beasts, as well as the most illusive magicians, daredevils, clowns and lion tamers. Come one, come all, and marvel upon their strange and eccentric behaviors. Hear them sing, watch them dance and prepare to be mystified. But be warned, your eyes will deceive you as what appears before you will challenge all rules of reality. Welcome to the gay circus.
The Ring Leader
Every circus has its leader, and for the gay community, that position belongs to the fag hag. A term known to all gay men as their female counterpart, their best friend and the woman who could very much be a gay man’s wife, if of course he liked women. Fag hags have been a fundamental component of gay culture in every decade and can be found in all gay communities. As Margret Cho puts it, “fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you’re nothing! We have been there all through history guiding your sorry ass through the Underground Railroad! We went to the prom with you!” It is the remarkable gifts from a female best friend that gay men are able to confide in, learn how to interact with men and have a true companion that loves unconditionally. The dynamics of this spectacular relationship, however, are so twisted and confusing that it is best described as a circus with eccentric performances, acrobatics and unique species, all essential to gay culture.
Tightrope Walkers and Aerial Acrobats
High above the spectators, one brave individual walks the tightrope. Step by step risking life itself to make it to the other side. Coming out of the closet was just as frightening, yet if it wasn’t for my best friend Chi, I would have never crossed over. Years before moving to Los Angeles, Chi and I were like twins, doing everything together laughing, sharing stories and intimate secrets. She was the first person I ever told I was gay. Moments before I revealed my secret, I remember the gut-wrenching terror of being rejected. I knew being gay was frowned upon in my family and community, and I swore never to come out while I lived at home. But some secrets can fester and consume an individual to desperate needs of escape. When I spoke the words, “I am gay,” it was if I had released 10,000 weights strapped to my back, and when she whispered, “I know, and will always love you, no matter what,” tears filled my eyes, but not from sadness. It was from cascading joy.
Years later, after graduating high school from a private Utah boarding school, I had traveled as far back into the closet as if I hadn’t met Chi at all. Two years of unnecessary discipline and close-minded thinking had led me to believe I was a terrible person because I was gay. That was until I met a girl, and her name was Michaela. Before I could blink, she had grabbed my hands and we sailed into the air high above the clouds. We were two acrobats soaring with only our faith and trust in each other, which would prevent either of us from falling to the ground.
The Lion Tamer
With a crack of her whip, the beast can be tamed. We watch in awe at the lion tamer’s courage and of the lion’s regal magnificence and potential threat of our safety. Being gay poses significant risks and threats that extend far beyond sexually transmitted diseases. Depending on the unique background and current life situation of the gay individuals, their lives can include rejection, prejudice, hate crimes, denial of rights and privileges, and in the case of Matthew Sheppard, death. Not all gay men experience prejudice the same way, nor is it fair to assume each person’s experience is the same. From my experiences, being gay has been a time of prejudice, abuse and fear. I have spent years scared to be myself, harassed, teased, abused and alone, but meeting Michaela was like tasting salvation. She helped me come out again, taught me to be myself, gave me confidence and protection. For a gay man, having a female counterpart is like having a bodyguard, they boost your confidence, help you talk to boys, are unconditional friends and love you no matter what. Unlike the ringleaders, the umbrella term for all fag hags, lion tamers serve only their gay. These remarkable women embrace gay society, nurture it and express themselves through the mainstream society. Like Lady Gaga, Margret Cho and Kathy Griffin, they can force the rest of the world to be exposed to the gay community even when most of us are too scared to leave it. Michaela was the whip that could protect me from the lions of family, society, and most importantly, myself. She became my tool to learn how to self-express and eventually find myself beneath all the rubble.
The Horseback Acrobat
As the acrobat stands high on top of the majestic white horse, they are one. The horse does not let its rider fall and is always there to catch her. The movie “The Horse Whisper” and many naturalistic forms of therapy, incorporate the wonders of a relationship with a human and a horse. Horses are elegant, beautiful and non-judgmental, and are often viewed in Western movies as a man’s or woman’s best friend. Any girl who seeks refuge in the gay community tends to find love, acceptance and a place where they can be themselves. Few, if any, gay men are interested in sleeping with females and so these ladies let their hair down. They can come to a bar or club to be complimented, told they are beautiful and hardly become objectified as sexual interests. From many personal conversations with the women closest in my life, including Rebecca and Laura, I have learned that many of them have either rejected or been rejected from the heterosexual society, but both have learned to view it as an unsafe or emotionally unsupportive environment. It is not uncommon to see women from all shapes, sizes, ages and races to love their gay men. Margret Cho puts it best by saying, “Thank God for gay men, because if it were not for gay men, I would not talk to men at all.” Gay men seem to take on a placeholder for women, for where they hope to have a straight man in the future, but in the meantime the gay man is still given the same amount of love and respect. But if gay men are to serve the role of a placeholder, then what happens when the “knight in shining armor” appears?
The Magic Show
Every magic show starts the same—with excitement and breaks in reality—but it is always the final disappearing act that leaves us speechless. The relationship between a gay man and a woman is so fun to watch that the show “Will and Grace” is founded upon the fag hag relationship. This intricate magic show has both magicians knowing just what the other is thinking. Everything is done in unison, and often consumes the rest of the population as to how close these two can get. Yet in the final show, when both magicians disappear in their wooden box, we wonder what happens just before that moment. In one scene of “Will and Grace,” Karen, the fag hag of the flamboyant character Jack, is about to get married to her new husband Lyle Finster. She tells Jack that they will no longer be friends. Karen explains that the relationship between them had a sell-by date that ended when she found her heterosexual counterpart. As the episode continued and Jack tried to replace her, Karen was beyond jealous and was unable to leave her gay man. This episode demonstrates a sad but true reality of the gay community—a countdown to the end of the relationship. But this example of a fag hag is only the stereotype, and like all media images, the real community being portrayed has more vibrant characters not show on T.V.
The Circus Freaks
Every circus has its freak show, and the gay community is no different. From bearded ladies seeking to convert gay men to straight, contortionists identifying as straight yet sleeping with their gay friend and or gay women, and jugglers trying to balance a “normal life” with stranger exceptions of having a baby with their gay friend due to sexual intercourse, but no sexual attraction. Gay men and straight women have the same relationship with jealousy as any couple, but it occurs if the gay guy is talking to another girl or vise versa. Some gay men and straight women have admitted to even dating as a real couple, sexual experimentation and even marriages, yet both were aware that the male was gay and the female was straight. There are even clowns who come in pretending to be fag hags, yet are only there to mock the gay lifestyle. There is little order or solid examples that can accurately explain the relationships gay men share with straight women other than chaos, but beneath that chaos there is still a bond so deep that only gay men and straight women can explain. This bond then may be a glimpse into understanding the vast interactions that take place in the circus rings.
Finale
Gay men and straight women share the same common interest: men. But the types of men they seek and the communities that house them are different. Eventually, most but not all, women will find other straight women who can venture into the realm of the hetero. This was the case with Michaela, and I knew that her world was a place I was not ready to enter. The heterosexual world was where she belonged and I was finally in a place where I felt accepted. As I found myself back at square one looking for new companionship, I realized this time I was not alone. I had my amazing friend Rebecca who would accompany me on my endeavors. Our adventures, however, were to take us to new heights. A twist in fate turned this dynamic duo into Mighty Morphin Power Gaygers ready to fight the newest threat to gay men everywhere.
Leave a Reply
Donate
Advertisement
I love it!! The Mighty Morphin Power Gaygers will rule Weho….look out gay world!!
Michael, this was a very sweet tribute to fag hags. However, I have to say, I will never leave the gays, even if I do find my “knight in shining armor” so maybe you should move me into a different category
I’ll just bring my knight to the Silver Fox with me! lol Gays are not a placeholder, they are my soulmates <3 forever!