A Tale of Two Cultures Part 3

Part 3: Take The Gun and Count to Three

Written by Michael Baumwohl

In the words of Lady Gaga, “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun,” and if you have ever played the game of love, each pull of the trigger might mean sudden death. I once took a Women’s Studies course with a professor who explored the myths of the cult of masculinity and the gender systems that define femininity. Gender has always been thought to explain why a man is a man and a woman is a woman but the obvious difference seems only to be genitalia. Men have emotions just like women, and both sexes have masculine and feminine attributes that cannot be easily selected as solely male or female; but how is this relevant to gay culture? The answer lies in the punishment heterosexual men and women are given if they choose an androgynous lifestyle, which is the fear of being called or viewed as “gay.”

Being a gay man, I see little to complain about since being gay has so many amazing membership benefits, including access to Pride parades and celebrations all over the world, reassurance of never being drafted into the military, a 0% chance of pregnancy, a larger wardrobe by sharing with a boyfriend, and last but not least, the privilege of not having to stop a conversation because your partner needs to use a separate restroom. Many women complain that their boyfriends do not satisfy their sexual needs and I say the solution is quite simple, when you join the club you learn that no one quite knows anatomy like a member of the same sex.

Gender, although a creation of society, still has a major impact on all of us, regardless of whether we believe in its existence or not. Heterosexual men are thought to be “hyper-sexualized” to the point where movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin depict the main character’s flaw as his inability to become a man through lots of sex with a woman. On the other hand, “women are supposed to be sexy, not sexual, and if a woman is a virgin at forty she’s probably just ugly or fat.” (Klein, 2010) So where do gender roles fall within the gay culture? Like heterosexual men, gay men define themselves as “men” by how many men they have slept with; however, gay men have similar limitations found within the heterosexual female community. Referring back to The 40-Year-Old Virgin, we know that a woman or a gay man would never be cast as this role, but why?

Fruits and vegetables are always marked with a sell-by date. The trick with most produce is to purchase them right when they are ripe and enjoy them while their flavor is still fresh and delicious; but we know not to consume any type of food past its expiration date. The reason being, it will be old, moldy and no longer tasty. This same concept is known all too well by heterosexual women and homosexual men. This idea of an expiration date is part of a larger three-stage system with the last stage occurring near “expiration age,” and thus forcing gay men to settle down before they are no longer desirable.

I knew exactly what I wanted when I first realized I was gay. Making eye contact with Mike in the center of Tigerheat, was exactly what I had waited for since I was 16. He was 19, my height and was the first kiss I ever shared with a male. At that moment I felt a rush like none I had felt before, and I knew this was the reason I had moved to Los Angeles in the first place—to simply find love. If you ask anyone why he or she is gay or straight, the answer is identical. We want to fulfill our basic human need to love and be loved and sexuality merely explains if we give that love to a man or woman. Despite the many aspects of gay culture, the fundamental component that all gay men have in common is that we want to fall in love, but with all good things there is a cost associated with it. Being in love requires an individual to open up completely and allow oneself to be emotionally vulnerable and raw. The sensation can be one of the most exhilarating feelings and rushes that seems to surpass any physical stimulation imaginable, but in order to achieve such a wonderful connection with another human being, we must risk being hurt and eradicate our fears of other people. Nobody is perfect and therefore its is only fair to say that we all enter into relationships, regardless of whether they are intimate or not, with inhibitions and irrational expectations. The first stage starts before this, roughly around the age of 16 to 18, where dating is naive and relationships become the only focus of our attention. It is the beginning where our sexual experiences are minimal to non-existent and flirting and dating are concepts we’ve only dreamt of doing. This stage perfectly described where I stood in relation to other gay men.

Finding two people that see the same thing the same way is next to impossible, especially when including one’s personal thoughts and experiences which influence how they see the world. I was in the beginnings of stage 1 and had desired a relationship, yet that didn’t guarantee that the man I wanted was seeking the same thing. Stage 2 happens roughly around the age of 21 or after the first heartbreak, depending on which ever comes first. In stage 2, gay men seem to take on a more personal focus, either a direct result of being jaded from previous relationships or merely a desire to explore new freedoms associated with being 21. My transition into stage 2 was a reoccurring cycle amongst gay men, where a stage 1 boy desires a boy in stage 2 and receives disappointment and heartbreak. Mike opened my eyes to the possibility/fact that true love would not be a reality until stage 3 when I had my career and when men could actually date with a sense of sincerity.

After three weeks of dating, Mike and I revisited the club where we had met, and I was the happiest I had been in years. I had wanted to become a couple but Mike seemed distant. Every time I tried to get close, I was pushed away and treated as if I was just another creepy guy coming on to him. Eventually Mike pushed me away and told me he wanted to dance with other guys, and seeing it happen was a hard image to process and understand. I couldn’t comprehend how someone could give signals of interest and then change their mind so suddenly. After about an hour and a half, I found Mike talking to someone else outside of the club and I asked him if we could talk. Mike made it clear that a relationship was one of the last things on his mind. He was “young and didn’t know what he wanted, and I should do the same.” And in a state of complete emotional fervor, my heart pounded, the adrenaline surged, and I felt like I was falling at lighting fast speeds. My heart was breaking and after I took Mike home, I decided it was time to take his words to heart. It was time to release my inhibitions, take a deep breath and taste all that the city had to offer.

Klein, M. (2010). When Infidelity Becomes “Sex Addiction”. Retrieved April 13,

2010, from http://msmagazine.com/blog/blog/2010/04/06/when-infidelity-

becomes-sex-addiction/

1. Lisa Wiley says:

   April 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm

   I am loving your column so far! Can’t wait for the next issue.